.. i have my arms folded in front of me.

yesterday in comm3, Ma'am Lopez discussed paralanguage, such as facial expressions, hand gestures and body language. she said people can communicate without having to speak, people can read a person without having to hear a word from him/her. then she pointed at me.
'look at misha here. she has her arms folded in front her, very private, very protective of herself, even somewhat distrusting .. or so that's what psychology says about people who fold their arms.'

recently, i've been keeping to myself more. there are only a small number of people whom i confide to, only my closest friends. i'm not as open as i used to be. i have become more private, more protective of myself, and, yes, even somewhat distrusting. i've come from a big group of friends to much smaller ones. though i'm not choosy when it comes to friendship. anyone can be my friend; you can be whoever you are, i don't give a damn, if you want to be my friend, then, hello, friend! :)

the thing is, though, i'm afraid to put my heart at stake, i'm afraid to count on somebody only to be left out on. it isn't that i think people aren't trustworthy, no. i actually believe that everybody has a good heart, a heart that is capable of looking out for other people, a heart that can stick around for you through good or bad whether you like it or not.
i believe that there is a good and loving heart in everyone, but not everyone can give it to you.

people can simply say, 'i'm here for you if you need me. if there's any trouble, i have your back. i'm just here for you. i promise.' and i know these words mean well and they are sincere. but it's hard reaching out to most people. you try to talk, and they do listen, but most of the time, they just don't understand .. and that hurt. it hurts to be reach out to other people and fail. it makes the fall even harder because nobody's there to pull you up.
which is why i often don't talk about how i feel. which is why i don't pour my heart out just to anyone, i don't pour my heart out as much.
i'm lucky enough to have friends i know and i believe i can count on. these are friendships built over the years. these are people i know and people who know and can see right through and read me like an open book.
that's another reason why i mostly keep to myself, why i'm very private, very protective and even somewhat distrusting. i'm saving myself from the hurt.
i don't need words to let others know because they don't need it; they just understand.